Me and the game of golf

At one time in my life I think I was actually considering myself  a “decent” golfer. By decent I mean I could get the ball down the fairway in a mostly straight manner, and I could get the ball on the green occasionally. The best part of my game was putting – I could putt with the best of them (at least in my mind I could). During the late 1980’s and into the early 1990’s I probably played four times a year as opposed to my current zero (haven’t darkened a course since early 2007 and that was only for a painful nine holes).

My problems with the game of golf aren’t limited to my lack of skills. Here’s a quick list of the things I don’t care for with golf:

Greens fees are expensive overall, and sometimes just plain outrageous.

You have to wear proper golf clothing, and fairly nice clothing at that.

Golf equipment is expensive overall, and in some cases just plain outrageous.

Course Rangers (you know, the guys or ladies in the carts who bug hacks like me to keep moving along on the course).

“Mulligans” and “do-overs”.

Golf carts, beer carts, and the people who drive such carts.

Golf shoes.

There’s no trash-talking.

Golf gloves.

I can probably come up with a few more but that will suffice for now. On the other hand there’s a few things that I kind of like about golf and they include:

Golf courses (hey, you’re outside in the fresh air, enjoying scenery, and that is pretty cool)

Golf carts.

Tiger Woods, Greg Norman.

That’s it for the likes. Sorry if I offend. If you happen to love golf, great for you.

Let me start with greens fees and the costs to participate at golf. I know it takes money, lots of it, to maintain these wonderful golf courses but come on, man. Many times golf feels like an elitist pursuit, not quite what the common man can strive for generally and I don’t like that about golf. Greens fees, golf bag, golf clubs, golf shoes, golf clothes (OK I admit I have a Greg “shark” Norman polo or two), golf balls, golf umbrella, golf ball retriever, and of course the beloved golf glove(s). It’s way too much man. I especially dislike that I have to “dress for golf”. One time a couple of years ago my company had a golf outing (otherwise known by some as another excuse to consume free alcohol and food,…don‘t get me started on that). We were given instructions on what we could and could not wear on the course. Give me a break…I was born and raised a basketball player and all I ever needed was a pair of sneakers, a ball, and a place to play. I didn’t need special clothes or any other special equipment…you just find a place, roll out the ball, and begin playing. Enough said.

I hold a special dislike for course rangers. Probably because I was a terrible golfer and the people in my foursomes were usually just as bad, those nasty course rangers were always (and I mean always) following us. They would sit in their little cart and “urge” us to keep moving, limit our strokes, or to let someone “play thru”. I saw thru their little smirks…what they really were saying was, you guys are hideous, get off of our course and let real golfers play. Hey, maybe I was terrible but I paid my greens fees so get off of my back.

Why do I dislike golf carts, and then say I like the golf carts you ask? Well I dislike the carts for contributing to our collective laziness as a society (including me). It’s really a blessing to walk a course, however, you’ve got those course rangers pushing you and I’m usually off trying to find my lost golf ball in the rough…well, you get the picture. I like the cart because they’re pretty cool to drive and some of the more upscale places have carts with GPS to help you follow the course. Pretty amazing technology. By the way, there’s no GPS in basketball to help one find their way to the rim.

My dislike of golf shoes is kind of wacky as I’ve never actually owned a pair of golf shoes. In the past they’ve been just plain ugly but now I can buy Adidas or Nike golf shoes that don’t look that ugly. Maybe, just maybe if I’m ever forced to play the game again I would consider buying a pair of cool looking golf shoes. My real issue though isn’t the shoes, it’s the socks. What’s the proper golf sock? One of my former bosses, way back in Chicago, had probably the ugliest set of legs any man could have. We’d have our golf outings, he’d wear shorts, and oh my God…the horror! To make matters worse, he’d wear anklet socks, and these gosh-awful black golf shoes. Those socks, and shoes would be attached to those hideous legs. Enough said. Maybe if he’d gone with mid-calf socks, or better yet, knee socks I could have stomached it better.

There doesn’t appear to be any “trash-talking” at golf, at least in the circles I ran in. I’m used to talking some “stuff” when I’m competing at most anything. At golf one must be polite, and proper, so to speak. I suppose if I were to break out with some “smack” while someone is lining up a putt, that dreaded course ranger would probably show up and kick my butt off the course. What if I yelled, “get that mess off of the green” when my competitor was lining up a putt, what would happen? Golf, I’m sure, has its own version of trash-talking but I’m such a hack I’m not familiar with it.

So that brings me to my last dislike…golf gloves. I admit that they look cool on some people. I feel though that for most, it gives a pretentious look (a look that says, I’m such a good golfer that I need to wear gloves). But are they really needed and do they really add any value? Mine never did, but hey I’m a hack, what do I know? I seemed to do just as lousy with gloves on as I did with gloves off.

Thanks for letting me get that off of my chest. Let me reiterate – I don’t like the game of golf. I’ve tried it enough over the years to realize just how deep my dislike runs. However, now that I’m hobbled with bad knees and such I can’t play basketball or softball (one of my other great loves) anymore so maybe I should reconsider golf? If my wife ever says, honey let’s go play some golf…I’m all over it. In fact, I think my wife would be good at it. She’s a wiz at mini-golf or putt-putt and routinely puts me to shame. And by the way, she can talk some trash, even at mini-golf (and we love it). But for the time being, I don’t like golf. Now where’s my Greg Norman polo?